Let Go
by Scifiroots
Summary: Simon finds it incredibly difficult to let his sister move on. RiverKaylee, preMalSimon


Let Go

Clarity Scifiroots  
Disclaimers apply. Firefly is the beauteous creation of Joss Whedon.  
Spoilers: References to Ariel, Objects in Space, and mild spoilers for the Big Damned Movie ;)  
Pairings: Kaylee/River, pre-Mal/Simon  
Summary: Simon finds it incredibly difficult to let his sister move on.  
Day One of June!Fic (WildchildCait's "sacrifice" request on ficondemand)  
_Edited July 18, 2006_

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Simon had never imagined that he would lose control like this. In nightmares he had dreamed of running out of medications to try, creating deadly mixtures without intending to, sacrificing the lives of others to save _her_, his baby sister. Merciful Buddha, she was still so young! He feared the appearance of another Jubal Early, further attacks by Alliance Operatives... He thought the threat from within _Serenity_ had ended, having never really been there in the first place. But he was wrong, and he had never thought a crew member combined with a battle from within herself would tear River from him. He didn't want to let go.

For years he had lived—breathing, sleeping, eating, breaking hundreds of laws and personal rules—just for her. He had given up everything he used to know, turned his back on his parents and his home, all for her. River was all he had. He took verbal and physical abuse to keep her safe and get the things he needed to treat her. Hell, he'd taken bullets for her, learned to handle guns, trained to build up strength and stamina. He had even killed her and died himself to get her into a hospital. How could she ignore all that? How could she justify leaving him all alone? Without her he had no purpose, nothing to cling to, no light to guide him.

The betrayal ate at him, the bitter taste filling his mouth so that he could hardly eat. The acidic burn scorched his eyes so he avoided meeting anyone's gaze. Surely they must know how he had failed and how she had left him.

---

"Doc. Thought I might find you here."

As if there were any other place he would be. Simon knew it had been a matter of days since he had last left the infirmary. He couldn't even remember what all he had been doing in there.

"Wanted to have a lil' chat with you about somethin'."

Simon mentally shook his head; he did not want to talk about anything with the captain.

"Doc..." Mal's tone bordered on warning.

Closing his eyes with a sigh, Simon answered curtly, "Go ahead."

Mal grumbled something too low to hear. "Fine, if that's the way you're gonna be... I have a bit of a puzzle needin' to be solved. Seems to me that ever since lil' sis started gettin' better that you've been crankier than a pack of mules. See, that don't make sense. When a doctor's patient gets better, he goes out and buys hisself a drink."

"I didn't do anything!" Simon snapped, turning around furiously, eyes blazing, his chest burning with the acrid feel of defeat.

Mal shrugged calmly, eyes solemn. "Don't matter. You're still her brother."

Simon snarled at him and turned away again, fingers curling into fists at his sides. "Damn you, you don't understand!"

"Then do some explainin', Doc, 'cuz this needs to be solved."

"After _everything_ I did!" Simon cried. "_Nothing_ worked! Nothing! I did everything for her! I gave her everything! I _lost_ everything because I thought I'd still have her." He turned on Mal, face contorted in a mix of pain, guilt, and anger. "But how does she repay me? Nothing I did helped, and when she gets better she abandons me, _leaves_ me to screw with Kaylee!" He flung his arms out, heedless of the materials he knocked to the floor. Breathing heavily, he blinked away the hot, burning tears as he glared challengingly at Mal.

After long moments of silence, Mal stepped forward. His expression held a mixture of pity and frustration.

"You know that ain't how it's been," Mal said quietly as he stopped a foot away from Simon. "River never would'a made it this far without you. You got her out of that lab, found this boat, and fought every step of the way to keep you both on board. I ain't ashamed to admit that if it weren't for you I'dda tossed you off plenty of times." Simon shook his head slowly, staring sightlessly at the floor. Mal sighed. "You're only thinkin' like her doctor. Did you forget she's your sister?"

"Of course not," Simon whispered harshly.

"If you didn't, then how come you're so mad she's gettin' better?"

Simon continued to shake his head.

"You gotta let this go, Simon," Mal said. "Start actin' like her brother 'cuz she sure as hell wants you back. She don't like the doctor and that's not what she needs."

Simon looked up at him, his expression screaming exhaustion. "And she needs a lover?" he asked bitterly.

Mal sensed the beginnings of surrender. With some relief he gripped Simon's arms in a firm hold. "Ain't sayin' that. But she does need love—friends 'n family. Mayhaps she gets a lil' of both with Kaylee."

Simon's eyes squeezed shut. He sagged against Mal heavily. "Why wasn't I enough?" he whispered helplessly.

Mal tentatively brushed one hand over the other man's hair in a comforting gesture. "One person can't change the universe. Even mighty captains and powerful albatrosses gotta find someone to lean on."

"Then I have to let her go..."

"No," Mal corrected, "you gotta drop the doctorin' shields."

"It's who I am," Simon protested.

"Don't think that's who punched me when we accidentally brought back a Reaver. And I don't think it was the doctor that got hisself shot by tacklin' a bounty hunter."

Simon's hands fisted in Mal's shirt. "I don't want her hurt," he murmured, burying his face against Mal's shoulder.

"We're gonna watch her. Not lettin' anyone hurt her." He smirked slightly. "Give her credit, Simon, she weren't even gonna let an overstressed brother get to her. But when you're ready, she'd like to have you back."

With a long, shuddering sigh, Simon seemed to exhale all of the pent-up emotions that he had hauled around for years. Mal held him tightly, relieved that the crew wouldn't be exchanging one crazy for another.

---

River watched them through the windows looking in on the infirmary. She crouched, arms wrapped around her knees as she rocked back and forth slowly. Thank the gods for Mal. She loved her family and her home and couldn't bear the anger and confusion that had been plaguing them lately. Kaylee was her strength, had even taken over as her guide when Simon started to fall apart. Now that he had found someone else to strengthen him, he could be her guide again—and her brother.

She touched the window and whispered an almost silent "thank you."

---Fin---


End file.
